The day my father left - 4 Feb 2021

I was tapping on my phone, typing the words "My father passed away..." It's probably the 5th time I was doing it for the day but everytime I type, there's like a voice in my head saying "what are you doing? it's just a dream".

Gawd this little voice freaks me out, the mind really does funny things when it just refuses to register this. But I came back to my senses fairly quickly, as I already kind of expected this to happen.

I received the news this morning. I knew something was wrong when my mom wants to call me at 7.40am. My mom was crying while telling me the bad news. I remember the next second was like "okayyy so this is it, this is it, this is it." The day that I have been preparing myself for but just could never imagine how it would be, has arrived. I tried to concentrate on my mom as she details how it happened. Only started crying when I realised how sad my mom was and when she kept trying to comfort me, telling me that I have always loved and took care of my father so I shouldn't feel sad for his relatively early passing.

And next thing she was telling me to just stay strong and that I don't have to go back given the current MCO restrictions. My heart sank further as I realised how my mom and brother had to go through this themselves and there's little help that I can offer. All I can do was just ask them to stay strong.

Anyways I took the day off. It's really strange, how I cried for many reasons but also cried for no reason. But I guess the two things that hurts most. One, the fact that I wished he had more time so we could do more things together. Geez i never even traveled overseas with him yet and we were talking about visiting Japan and also his alma mater in Sheffield. Sucks to know all these are impossible now. Two, it hurts that the last time I met him physically was almost a year ago. COVID-19 I OFFICIALLY HATE YOU :(

I spoke to my mom and she thinks I shouldn't return given the current restrictions, as there would be almost no point in returning as I can only attend the wake for 3 hours. So I spent the next few hours researching and mostly debating with myself on whether I should go back. Then I thought how I wouldnt need this debate if if there's no COVID. Then I got angry at my dad for leaving now and started crying again.

Going back to the debate, it really sucks. Like....seriously the hardest cost and benefit analysis that I need to solve in my life.

3 hours and that's it.

He would be in the coffin already by the time I arrive. Is there a difference between seeing the coffin, or seeing the coffin through a video call?

Am I even a good daughter for just debating about this? Other people would probably just zoom their way back without second thoughts.

I debated long and finally get to sort out my thoughts.

What am I missing?

The funeral. Do I need to attend?

And goshhhh it freaks me out a little when my mind answered "No". I don't know if I'm just trying to avoid the reality.

What else am I missing?

Being there for your mom and brother.

But it's only 3 hours, And I probably cant be physically near them. I'd be alone during quarantine and my mom would be worried. Will it make more sense to just stay here. My mom was telling me that she and my brother are sorting out the specifics, where to hold the wake, where to keep the ashes, what color of coffin to choose. Holy crap I already freaked out at the thought of these and felt so bad that my mom and brother had to go through all these T.T To make things worse, my father and mother's immediate siblings are all not in PJ, there's really like NO FAMILY. But it's not like I fly back now and I can be with them immediately :( So this really really, three thousand times of really, sucks.

Ok so....will I go back? I'm just gonna say it, I am not.

AHHHH GEEZ THIS ANSWER IS JUST WRONG but it's the least wrong I guess T.T

Then I kept thinking "sigh why on earth am I so suay T.T like....whyyyyyyyyyy"

whyyyyy God just don't wanna let me have the typical experience as other people? Go home, be with family, inform friends, friends and family visit you at the wake, cry together, send him off.

I remember reading articles about how people can't return home for their family's funeral because of COVID, feeling sad for them but wow, cant believe I am now one of them. And gosh to make things complicated, I actually have the option to go back, but is it really "going back"?

Now I'm scolding my dad in my head again, why did you have to leave now :(

Then sometimes my mind would go to some dark places.

"It's because you are a terrible person, you lie, you're greedy, you don't really help people. God is punishing you. Not only you lose him, you can't even be there"

"You found a good job that made you happy last year, so something has to be taken away"

These thoughts are torturing really, trying to figure out if there was anything I could have done to avoid this. Even if I kept thinking I'd trade anything to have my father back, I know it's not gonna happen.

I did my best to take myself away from the dark places. Then part of me can't help but to think, maybe, that's exactly how it's meant to be. My dad probably knows how I'm going to breakdown after seeing me cry so hard at my grandmother's funeral, whom I was not super super close with to be fair but I remember crying hard because I felt sad that my father lost his mother and the thought that I may lose him some day too. It's probably good that I don't go back and don't get in contact with any of these things that will make me cry more.

I think I have cried enough today.

I just spoke to my mom again and asked her for the last time on whether she wants me to go home. I knew she will say no but when she looked me in the eye and said no in a rather stern voice, I don't know why but my tears just streamed down. Maybe because that really means I will not be going back and that's it, and there's nothing I can do.

My mom cried with me again and I feel bad for making her cry. My mom told me a little bit more about what happened after my dad passed. It broke my heart that they had to witness the entire process of bringing him to the hospital, trying to resuscitate him and seeing him leave. She told me how down and hopeless she and my brother were when my dad finally passed and how they were actually grateful for the funeral service person who was there to help them cope with all these. Again, I feel so terrible, like I'm shielded away from all these moments that will probably haunt them for the rest of their lives.

I was tasked to pick a photo of my father to be used for the funeral and the newspaper announcement. Made me realise that we dont really have any recent photos of him alone. But quite heartening to see so many photos of him and my mom. Where my mom would always hold on to his arm, or hold his hand. Then I cried again, because it made me realize as much as my mom like to complaint about my father, she probably still loves him very much and is deeply heartbroken. Like, there's no way you can be okay if you have always been holding this person's arm for so many photos.

I sent a few but we finally decided on a photo where he was standing next to me on my convocation day. Thank brother Choong's camera for the superior resolution which captured my dad's dimples nicely and he was kind of plump and still healthy-looking back then, before the stroke and heart attack happened. Then it hit me again, no more photos with him anymore, like really no more.

Probably an hour later, my brother shared the announcement photo and I offered to help him draft the announcement message. And it hit me again, like damn, this is real Carmen, your dad passed away, you wont see him anymore for the rest of your life. By that time, I think the term no-tears-left-to-cry really made sense. I'm so done with crying, and just instead embraced these thoughts and started thinking about all the memories we had and what I am going to miss about him.

There's so many things really. And it made me realise how he has also influenced me so much. I usually would think I'm pretty much 80% carbon copy of my mom. I got my positivity, my sometimes-bitchiness, my diligence and perseverance from her. But as I looked through the photos and think again about how I interacted with my dad, I think he is definitely the person who made me love to explore and just do things I love from day to day. While my dad can be a picky eater, he was really my yumcha buddy till the point where I used to have 5 meals a day because he would bring me to afternoon tea or/and morning tea at kopitiams and mamak for toast, roti canai, nasi lemak. And he loves to explore around with his car. He was really human GPS who knows almost any place in KL/Selangor (dont even need waze seriously) and he had those super thick Klang Valley map book. While we were unable to afford overseas trip, he would always offer to take us to day trips at Genting, Kuala Selangor, Tanjung sepat and if there's any way we could slip in a side trip to Melaka in the middle of our journey to his hometown Tangkak, he would gladly do it too. That's probably why I love to just go to a new neighborhood and check out new sights and try new food.

It made me really happy to think about all these, despite knowing we can't create more memories.

Another thing that made me less unhappy was the thought that I don't really have like any things that I didn't get to say or what. With my dad, I have always said I loved him and I'm sure he knows I do. That alone makes me feel a tiny sense of joy despite all these.

I think I can stop writing now.

I was off work today. In the middle of all the things I mentioned above, I was pretty much doing nothing and it's just me and my thoughts. I didn't know if I should just spend time crying, message all my friends or what. Hence I started writing here and I do think it's a pretty good way for me to deal with my grief.

To my friends and families, I'm really fine but I do hope you can pray for my family's well-being, especially my mother and brother who are dealing with all these directly.

Dear God, I think I do have to say thank you. I remember just after dad's second heart attack, I knew there's nothing I can do except to just put everything in your hands and prayed that you will give me strength to face whatever that is coming. Honestly, I think I'm really at peace, I know it's your plan and while a little bit worried, I'm still confident with what lies ahead. Thank you for giving me daddy and everything else I treasure.

Okay okay, really going to stop writing. If you are reading, that's pretty much the story of the day my father passed away. Hope you go tell your parents "I love you" and stay positive in life no matter what!

**Sunday, 7 Feb 2021

Last day of daddy's funeral, just like how I usually have video calls with my fam, mom shifted her phone towards daddy, and there I see him in his sleep. And as usual I said I love you and byebye before we end this last call with daddy. I think I cried enough. Not sure how long will it take to get use to the fact that I wont see him in the weekly video calls but I know from now on, I will always miss him with a smile.

Would also like to say thank you to all my friends and family who gave me such strong support in the past few days. I honestly think I dealt with this pretty well and I know it's because you guys gave me so much strength which reminds me that life is still a beautiful journey and I shouldn't be sad for anything that has ended, but smile because it happened. Also a big shoutout to my company for doing everything they can to help me figure out a way to return home. Although I have finally decided to not return, I am so deeply moved by all the efforts in the background and the reassuring words to make me know that I have nothing to worry about work and that you will do everything you can to help me reach home.