Depression and Feeling Alive
Hi Everyone, I read this book that was in the Air BnB I stayed with my parents during the weekend. I tried to finish the book during my stay but I didn't, and don't think I will. Probably bcoz halfway through this book, the book turned into any other romance fiction, all that i-like-you-but-I-dont-think-i-should kind of thing haha. But the first few chapters of the book has a few things that put me into deep thoughts and I think it convinced me on certain things, and spelled out things that I know but not sure what it is. I hope my friends, including you who is reading this can hear me out. I feel that I should share this.
So just as the cover suggests, the book follows a twenty year-old girl who experienced quite a lot of drama despite her age. Part of me thought oh wells it's just fiction but hey think again, this could really happen to anyone. And the next thing, this book slapped me in the face by telling me that, you don't need to be seeing your boyfriend die or seeing your parents divorce to feel PAIN. Everyone has their problems and experiences that are so painful to move on from. Pain, before you objectively judge where it originated from, is very very hard to deal with. Not everyone has the natural ability to just dust pain off their shoulders. So if you feel pain, please don't try to ignore it, coz if you keep telling yourself, it's nothing, it's just a small thing, there will be one day you find that having your heart beating is a small thing.
"Depression is pain in its purest form and I would do anything to be able to feel an emotion again. Any emotion at all. Pain hurts, but pain that’s so powerful that you can’t feel anything anymore, that’s when you start to feel like you’re going crazy."
To be honest I really hadn't given much thought about what depression really is, those health awareness campaign certainly didn't do a good job explaining what depression is, but this paragraph on top, kind of says it all and damn, for the first time, it felt like I can understand what depression really means. I'm not sure if the above description is entirely accurate but I suppose it certainly describes an emotional state that sounds very very terrifying to be in.
As I step into this stage of life, where I have to accept that I'm a grown up and should pick up myself no matter what shit happens, I find depression is very very real (especially after reading the above quote) and it can happen to anyone including myself and it almost felt like it's knocking on my door every now and then, and it'll probably take a few more blows before I fall into it. To be honest, I don't have an answer on how to deal with pain, but I guess this book at least told me that I shouldn't be ignoring it and at least allow myself to cry. I hope my friends know I mean it when I tell them to just cry no matter what pain they are facing.
"Just because one person’s problem is less traumatic than another’s doesn’t mean they’re required to hurt less.”
To be honest, I couldn't care less on how people judge my problems, but the thing is, I, me, myself judge them too. And now I really think I shouldn't and I want to tell you that although you can comfort yourself by saying "Others had it worst than me", do not let that sentence convince yourself that you can't cry over it and that you shouldn't feel hurt at all. I'm sincerely sorry to anyone who I've said that sentence to, and I hope you didn't convince yourself that your problem is too insignificant compared to others.
"What compels any of us to do the things we do when deep down a part of us just wants to break free from it all?"
Guess the book didn't just tell me that it's ok to feel vulnerable and miserable, but it surprisingly reminded me of something that I'm very much trying to do but not sure what is it: Breaking Free and Feeling Alive. Gawd I can't believe it's just four simple words but it's unbelievable how it's not that easy to come close to those words in life and there might be one day I could just give up doing it. I guess we are all entering this phase of life, where almost everyday or every week is going to be like a Ctrl C, Ctrl V kind of thing. I know you might say I'm the one who chose to have a boring 9-5(i mean 8) job, so suck it up or go do something else exciting. Yes, switching jobs may be a solution but somewhere deep down inside me knows that I don't hate my job because it's very predictable and boring, I don't hate my job really, but I guess there's a difference between hating your job and hating the predictability of life. So before you tell me to just change my job, maybe we can think of how to make life less, mundane? I hope people stop shaming people who have very routine kind of job and if you feel your Monday to Friday is just repeating itself, please don't think like "I'm just miserable, lifeless and I'm destined to be like this". Just keep those words in your life "Break Free Feel Alive", no matter you're single or attached, find any chance to break free from that usual rhythm of life, coz it's those off beat experience and erratic emotions that is going to let you hear your heart beating loud and strong. Saying this to myself as well because I'm also quite a risk averse kind of person, but you just gotta do something crazy or something that will make you nervous every now and then.
But I guess, I'm still doing a pretty good job haha. I'm enjoying my weekends so far. I do some Youtube covers, I find a place for a nice dinner with friends, wondering if the food will be good, whether the place will be instagrammable. I watched Disney on Ice to just feel like a kid, I plan for some trips, just got back from one last weekend, where I snapped loads of photos, share them on instagram not because I wanna show off, but just want to remember how happy I was to see what I saw. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that traveling is the only way to break free, but I do understand why people keep saying that we should go travel, not because we want to just have fun, but really just to experience something we never did, or unlikely to experience. So with the same logic, I suppose Breaking Free and Feeling Alive can be done, as long as you are willing to take a step to do something, out of YOUR NORM. Yes if your "out of norm" is sleeping all day, if that's really what you need, just do it, but try something else the next time! Well I think I just had a very great weekend with my parents, we didn't go anywhere fancy, it's just lunch, dinner and watching TV and me reading this book at the Air BnB, but I'm already feeling so happy and grateful.
Okok, guess that's all I wanna share. Life is precious and I hope we don't just waste our days but try to live in every moment. If there's anything you want to do, don't think it's too small and it wouldn't make a difference. Having something that you want is one direct way to remind yourself that you are still alive, you are taking every breathe because you want to. What you want doesn't have to be some million-dollar-dream, it can be small little goals in life that will make you happy. But don't get me wrong, I'm not asking you to stop dreaming big, but more like even if you don't have one, it's ok, as long as you feel good about life. I'm not sure whats your way, and I don't know if my way is your way, but let's just remind ourselves to Feel Alive alright?
ps: As I'm writing this post, I'm feeling very much alive too. I don't know if my thoughts can change your mind, but if they did, do share what you think to your friends!
pps: in case you are wondering why those photos, and why that random unicorn photo haha, as much as I want to look pretty in photos, I actually had more joy when I try to pose like some idiot haha.
The Edge of Never
Okay I know I shouldn't review this book given that I havent finish reading, but I guess, although the romance part is too good to be true, it does tell you that there's a lot to experience in life and we are the masters of our own journey.